I have to write a poem for English about ambition, fate, need for more, and guilt and how these things lead to an ultimate downfall. What do you think of it? Does it make sense?
My father
“My father once told me that I would be rich
So I tried every day to find my successful niche.
He told me that I could make the world a better place
If only I was on top in the business race.
I thought his words of knowledge was my fate
But I didn’t know ambition to reach there was my weight.
Reaching for this goal only broke me down
For the crimes I committed, only guilt would be found.
I had come home to my family with nothing each day
And when I began to steal, everything seemed okay.
But I was not pleased, I kept wanted more
So I began take bigger, more expensive things from that store.
My wife believed that I was living my dream
But when I heard this I knew I had gone to the extreme.
Now I wanted the money to say it was actually mine
So I could prove to myself I was rich this time.
I couldn’t believe what I was doing; I knew I was at fault
So I decided to leave my family because I was stuck in this vault.
It seemed never ending, I wanted a new life
And when the alarm sounded I knew of the futures strife.
But despite this I left and drove away fast
Didn’t know what to expect or how long it would last.
This is my story and now I am in jail
My family left me and I have no one to bail.
So here is the advice, my last and only words to you
Only attempt to achieve what is possible to do
Do not let ambition and the need for more bring you guilt
Nobody knows your future, only you control the fate you built.”
Yeah I am really bad at writting poetry and English all together. I am in high school so I want it to be kinda mature
You’ve got the first hurdle done pretty well…you’re given a subject and you can write about it so calling yourself bad at it isn’t being kind to yourself.
Don’t worry so much, you’re doing well.
It’s fine and you can submit the poem just as it is but have you heard about word flow?
Oooh, that got in sudden didn’t it? A technique of writing. You go cruising along all nice and steady and then Bang! Something happens just when you thought it was all OK.
Sometimes words need to be jumpy and jagged to get the right feeling across and it works a treat in some of those stanzas but a smooth flowing set of words can add power and energy to a line in a different way.
Starting a line with a verb is one way to add energy and power. Rhythm is another. Some poems and songs are structured almost entirely that way.
Here are two lines from Luke Kelly’s Song for Ireland each having a verb as the first word of the line.The lines are short and no words are wasted. They do what they do economically, not all padded out with extra bits.
Living on your western shore
Saw summer sunsets, asked for more
Here’s the last stanza of your poem shortened and more flowing. The second line has lost the ‘Only’ so it starts with a verb.
There are 34 words instead of the 44 of the original.
Ten padding words gone, but you don’t have to use it. Whatever you want for style is for you to decide.
It’s easy to be critical.
How many watchers of a game are better baseball or football managers than the real ones,haha? Most of them think so.
Here are my words of advice just for you
Attempt what is possible for you to do
Don’t let ambition lead you to guilt
The future you have is the one you have built
You can also use the word ‘get’ instead of ‘have’….The future you get.
It changes the tone and can be more powerful. Say it both ways so you find out what a one word difference can make in a line.
Which one you use depends on how hard you want that last line to be. Get is a harder sound than have. For a softer approach, more subtle, use ‘have’.
To ram home the message with brute force, use ‘get’.
Not only is ‘get’ harder sounding by itself but the ‘t’ sounds at the end of ‘get’ and ‘built’ reinforce each other, adding to the power and sharpness of the message.
The two words are sympathetic in the line and in the message …they have an empathy, an affinity, they match in other words.
You will also notice that you can put more power on the word ‘one’ if you use ‘get’. Emphasizing ‘one’ when you use ‘have’ upsets the flow and sounds artificial but when you use ‘get’ you can put an emphasis on the word ‘one’ without it sounding bad…it sounds actually pretty powerful…reminding you more powerfully that you have only one future.
Notice..you have only one future.
It’s more powerful than saying ‘you only have one future’.
It’s sharper. More succinct.
Sometimes one way is better and sometimes the other.
You can also put more voice emphasis on the word ‘built’ when you use ‘get’, giving you a rhythm of ba-ba-ba-BOM…ba-ba-BA-ba-ba- BOM….more power.
The future you GET…is the ONE you have BUILT.
One word has given three ways to add power to a line.
One word can make a difference of style and flow and in how you want your readers to react to the poem. Some poems can take weeks to write, changing words so the style or the softness or power or the flow or simply just the sound simply as sound is what you want it to be. You know what you want but the words won’t come. Later, an idea comes of how to change things. A word comes to you. A new way to structure a line or a whole stanza. Slowly a poem gets finished.
That’s the maturity bit. How words can be used economically or to get exactly the feeling or mood or the expression you want, not just how it turns out. It takes work.
Some go very easily…done in minutes. Most don’t.
Your poem travels well…the story unfolds and doesn’t lose pace. It can stand as it is, but think about a smoother version, more economical with words.
That’s a separate poem though. The one you have is a good effort…sounds pompous of me but it’s true……and it’s a story worth telling.
That’s the main bit. When it’s done does it mean anything?
Yes, in this case. Well done.
Here is an answer about structure in one of W.H. Auden’s poems and how he got the balance he wanted, of a personal loss over a public one.
http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20091215123620AAKWiKn . . . .
One of my favourite poems for giving advice and especially about criticism is on a tombstone in Texas, the result of a gunfight
Here lies the body of Jonathon White
Who died believing he was right
And he was as right as the day is long
But he’s just as dead as if he was wrong
The beautiful Song for Ireland sung by Luke Kelly, also sadly now gone. He died young.
The dark straight-edged cliffs on it are the Cliffs of Moher, not on Arranmore.
They are the highest cliffs in Europe at 620 feet straight down and a favourite place for me to roam.
How many lines in the song start with a verb?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrXGigZTXfU
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